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October 4, 2012

Cowardly Lion….

Yep that’s me… I’m a coward.  I over analyze and over plan.  There’s no jumping into anything unless I have a very good map and a very well thought out plan.  Heck it took me a month to finally post on this blog… it took me two weeks just to finally pick a name.  If the whole idea is not perfect in my brain, then I can’t move forward.  If there are too many “what if” questions that I can’t answer, then I just stay stuck.

On top of being a coward, I’m a people pleaser.  I’ll gladly give up what I want just to make sure the people I love, respect, or feel some sort of obligation (even if misplaced) to are happy.  It is hard for me to ask for what I may need, since that seems like it will almost always be taking away from what someone else may need.  It’s a complicated cycle that does not always lead to my happiness.  I suppose it does lead to a level of happiness, seeing the people you care for happy….. But it leads to that hallow happiness…. The one where you still feel like something is missing.

I have been struggling with making a decision for the past few months.  I know I need to change something in my life.  I know I can’t keep going… but how do you completely change the script when you are people pleasing coward?  I mean really, I’m asking myself to step outside of all that I know.  On top of that I’m asking my husband and my son to change everything they know too. 

While walking my dog this afternoon I came to a realization – I HAVE TO MAKE A CHANGE.  I literally cannot keep living like this.  It’s freeing just to finally admit that to myself.  It does not sound like much, I know; but for the first time I realized it was not just my fear holding me back... it was the people pleasing thing too.  It makes me want to cry.  I do that when I have too many emotions in my head.  I need to vent them somehow I guess, and I’ve always said there is nothing wrong with a good cry to help get you down to the basics in there.  It’s a good cry feeling though in me today.  I have a better grasp on a plan…. There’s no map (yet) and actually I’m not even sure the plan will end up where I am thinking today; but for the first time in a while I have at least a direction to face.

Of course now I have to work up the courage to talk to my husband about all of this.  I know he only wants me to be happy.  I know he loves me.  I just can’t get that people pleasing part of my brain to shut up with all the negativity.  I feel like I’m standing on the precipice of something….. Now I just have to find the strength to jump!

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